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All we want for Christmas...

By Declan Bogue

Published 23/12/2015

Time to deliver: Santa wears red so it must be a good omen for Tyrone and Derry fans for the big day
Time to deliver: Santa wears red so it must be a good omen for Tyrone and Derry fans for the big day

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a few acres of land. A nice little lawn on it. Some 160 tonnes of reinforcement. 5,000 cubic metres of concrete. 3,000 tonnes of structural steelwork. 40,000 plastic seats. Some meeting rooms and corporate entertainment suites. Hot dog stalls, popcorn, foam fingers. A big screen or two. Merchandising. Stands everywhere. Dressing rooms. Turnstiles. Cheerleaders

I want it beside a motorway and close by a train station. And I want it started NOW, with no objections!

We promise we have been good little boys all year,

Yours,

The Ulster Council

 

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is some gametime. Can you provide us with a challenge match?

Yours,

The Ardboe Absentee

 

Dear Santa,

Can I please have a Cavan jersey? I promise I will keep it this time.

And while you are on the road, could you please bring up the following from my apartment in Kildare; one utility bill. A hurley and helmet.

Yours,

Seanie Johnston

 

Dear Santa,

Would it be possible for you to impose some diktat from Croke Park that journalists that write about sports other than Gaelic football and hurling, would automatically be struck down with something particularly nasty as they enter the gates of Pairc Esler?

I am sure you will agree that they insult the spirit of the Gael by working in such places as Windsor Park and Lansdowne Road. Therefore, I ask that you might do this favour for us in Down.

Yours,

Deluded from Down

 

Dear Santa,

I don't ask you for presents. All I want is everyone to stop asking me questions. How dare they ask me questions or question the purity of my story, of my work, of my soul? Line up and praise me, love me, and buy my book. Read my columns. Listen to my punditry. Admire my Donegal tweed waistcoats.

But never, ever, ever question me. You wouldn't like me when I am angry.

Yours,

The Glenties Glaswegian

 

Dear Santa,

I don't ask for much, so a few 12-inch pizzas would do me. I need the packing for horsing goalkeepers over the line.

Yours,

Sean Quigley

 

Dear Santa (you punk),

Listen up and listen good. I don't want anything from you and your bum life with your cheap reindeer and your stupid red suit.

I am telling you, ordering you, to bring me the leadership of the GAA. I want them on their knees, begging, with their hands out, for me to come and fill their stadium for them. But seeing if you are coming, will you bring me another few pairs of tight pants?

Up yours,

Conor McGregor

 

Dear Santa,

We asked for Sam last year. And the year before. And the year before.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Yours,

Mayo

 

Dear Santa,

We haven't been very good boys this year. But we know that voting against a manager, recommending that he is voted out by the club delegates, and then losing the vote was, on hindsight, a regrettable move. As a result, we would like to ask for an intensive public relations course, even for those that continue to provoke much hilarity in their reports to county convention.

Yours,

The Down County Board Executive

 

Dear Santa,

We feel we might not have represented ourselves, and the ancient and gracious sport of hurling in the best possible light when we were over in Boston for the Super Elevens.

In order to put our best foot forward in our next round of fundraising and awareness-raising, could we please have 30 set of knuckle-dusters, switchblades, nunchucks, Samurai swords, cat o' nine tails and perhaps a grenade or two.

A nicely-carved crossbow would also be lovely if you can fit it into our stocking.

Yours,

The GPA

 

Dear Santa,

Could you do us a favour and 'get rid' of weekend viewing figures for our Gaelic games programme, or at least keep them from the prying eyes of Paul Rouse and Joe Brolly (pictured)? We sure would appreciate it.

Yours,

Sky Sports

Belfast Telegraph

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