Hi °C | Lo °C Once in a while, try turning up at the office slightly late, hair unbrushed and wearing the same clothes as the day before. Make sure it's a showstopper of an outfit with stockings, seams and high heels that everyone will remember from 24 hours ago.
Arrange for flowers to be delivered to you two weeks after Valentine's Day. This will look like your mystery lover sends you flowers at random just because they are maddeningly in love with ravishing you. An added advantage is that everyone else's flowers will be dead by then.
Do take the behaviour of smug couples gracefully. Don't make vomiting noises or wear a black armband or start crying. Do not 'accidentally' deadhead all the other people's bouquets when they go out to lunch. This is bad.
Don't make the bottle your lover. We do allow you a drink but don't overdo it. Can you get through the night without a drink? Do you spend as much time with your bottle as you would a man? If you're calling in sick because of hangovers, cancelling things or panicking if the Frascati is not in the fridge, then we're sorry. It's too much.
Remember, the one thing that makes smug flowered-up married types jealous is women who get to choose new lovers.
Naughty girl's guide to unacceptable behaviour for newly loved-up women
Showing off those pictures of him that you keep in your wallet. Yeah, yeah. You've pulled. Just shut up about it, you smug cow. Remember, wallet equals vomit.
Having those patronising conversations to try to make your girlfriends feel better. You know, the ones where you look at us pityingly and say, "Don't worry, I'm sure it will just happen naturally for you one day." And then suggest they go speed dating. Or go to evening classes. Or go and look for people shopping for meals for one in supermarkets.
Lying, for example, that things are, "Oh, all right, you're not missing much." Look, we know you're finally having rampant sex and are over the moon, and we forgive you seeing as it's all so new. Just don't bang on about it all night, ok?
Bringing him unannounced to a Girls Emergency Summit Meeting to discuss a crisis such as an unexpected pregnancy. This is no time for smug couples. This is no time for men at all. The girls have booked you, and you on your own. They have been looking forward to a bitchfest about various love rivals, or deep discussions on gynaecology or a whinge about how they are manless. Telling us you've lost weight because lovemaking has used up so many calories is unforgivable, too. There's no need to rub our noses in it when we've been eating lentils and doing aerobics all week.
Naughty girl's guide to sulking over a man
Let yourself go. If you have to leave the house, for example to collect more fags, then don't dress, just throw a large coat over everything and wear, if necessary, a paper bag over your head.
Eyebrows should remain unplucked. Hair unbrushed. Legs unwaxed. Undercarriages untrimmed. Spots attacked. For God's sake, this is not a time for grooming. You can look fabulous later. Do not contact him or take his calls. The idea is to have a private guzzling and grizzling process, not to humiliate yourself by letting him know that you're actually doing it.
Stockpile food for your sulk. Easy-cook stuff only, mind you. You're in no state to be messing around with hot stoves or sharp knives. And don't even think of salads. In times of grief, you need to keep your strength up.
You might want to dig out some old photos of yourself in which you look particularly fabulous. Ask yourself how on earth he could be mad enough to give up gorgeous you. Use airbrushed images if necessary.
Naughty girl's guide to weight loss
Buy cars without power steering. Simply drive around until you find a really tight parking spot, then spend half an hour straining at the steering wheel and you'll undergo the equivalent of a full workout as you park your car. Buy a penthouse. Remember the higher you go, the more you'll burn off staggering up to your flat at night. This is why supermodels never live in near-ground apartments.
Hang out with rugby teams. These boys are so big you'll automatically look small and thin next to them.
Order seafood all the time. If you're lucky you'll get the dodgy oyster or the mussel that didn't open properly, and should lose a stone over the following two hours.
The Naughty Girl's Guide To Life, by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall, Sphere, £7.79
