Why baby fever leaves me cold
She’s delighted to hear that William and Kate are going to be parents, but the inevitable day-by-day accounts of the royal pregnancy are just going to be so boring, says singelton Maureen Coleman.
And so it begins. Within hours of Kate and William's happy announcement, bookies across the UK were taking bets on what the royal baby would be called, newspapers were speculating as to what he/she may look like and some half-wit with nothing better to do had set up a Twitter account in the name of @Royal Fetus, which, by yesterday afternoon, had attracted almost 12,000 followers.
Channel 5 became the first broadcaster to jump on board the royal baby bandwagon, airing a documentary on Tuesday night called Wills and Kate: Baby Fever.
The programme, first broadcast in September, included fascinating insight from ‘fashion experts' providing critical analysis of what Kate will be wearing throughout her pregnancy. Give me strength.
And companies keen to cash in on the baby bonanza have already designed souvenirs ranging from a £12,000 royal cot to cheap, tacky mugs to mark the special occasion.
I've a feeling it's going to be a long six months — and not just for the expectant couple. Every minutiae of Kate's pregnancy will be so well documented, we might as well be going through it with her.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for them both. I love Kate and William and wish them health and happiness. It's just that I'm not all that interested in the ins and outs of pregnancy, so to speak, royal or otherwise.
I've admitted in this newspaper before that I'm not really the clucky type.
People presume I don't like children, but they couldn't be more wrong. I adore my niece and nephew, I care for my friends' offspring and the greatest crimes, in my eyes, are those against children.
Perhaps, because I'm not a mother, I find it hard to get overly excited about other women's pregnancies.
There is such a thing as over-sharing and I want to be spared details of swollen ankles, increased libido and piles.
We've all met women who, throughout their nine months, talked incessantly about their pregnancy and then when baby came along, the focus switched to a new obsession.
I understand this, I really do, but it's hard to share their excitement when you're not part of the club.
I have childless friends who are less tolerant than me, though. One even took down her Facebook profile because she was “fed up” reading about baby statuses and looking at endless photographs, charting “what baby did next”.
It was easier to just remove her profile altogether, she explained, than having to hurt their feelings by “defriending” them.
“I just don't care about what the baby had for breakfast or how many times she burped in the course of the day,” she told me. See, I'm not that bad.
So excuse me if I don't get swept along by royal baby mania over the next six months.
Undoubtedly I'll keep one eye on Kate's progress, out of sheer concern and curiosity, but I don't want to be bored to death with every detail of her pregnancy.
I don't need to know if her Reiss frock flatters her bump or if her shiny hair is due to the hormones coursing through her body.
To be honest, I feel a bit sorry for Kate. This should be a joyful time for her, yet the eyes of the world will be upon her for the next six months, irrespective of the findings of the Leveson inquiry.
We all like to think that the paparazzi have learned lessons from the past, but Kate must be aware that she could find herself on the front page of every red top each week until the baby is born.
Given that she has already been hospitalised due to severe morning sickness, such intense public scrutiny won't make life any easier for her.
I'd like to think the young mum-to-be might be given a break at such a significant time in her life, but somehow I doubt it.
Mind you, I fancy a wee flutter on Elizabeth Diana, if the baby's a girl, Philip Charles, if a boy comes along.