Belfast Telegraph

Derry Girls: The funniest lines from series one

Derry Girls has been a huge hit for Channel 4, providing many quotable lines in its debut series.

With series one now drawn to a close - and while we wait for series two - take a look through some of the best jokes and craic from Erin, Michelle, Clare, Orla, the wee English fella, and the rest of the Quinn family.

Episode one

It's the early 90s, the first day of school and there's a bomb on the bridge.

Erin: "Look, I wanted to be an individual but my ma wouldn't let me."

Clare: "I am not being individual on my own!"

***

Ma Mary: "Don't say knickers in front of your father; he can't cope!"

***

 

Granda Joe: "I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy; I have people working on it."

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Michelle: "Nobody actually gets expelled. Rhonda Gallagher hasn't even been expelled and she's in the IRA."

Erin: "I'd say that's probably why."

***

Sister Michael: "What age are you now Orla?"

Orla: "Fifteen."

Sister Michael: "Yeah, you might want to think about wising up."

Episode Two

Everyone is really excited when Sister Michael announces the school trip to Paris.

Sister Michael: "I know how daunting resit examinations can be, so if anyone is feeling anxious or worried or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me."

***

Sister Michael: "This year's destination for the Euro Trotters trip will be dramatic pause... (turning to teacher) did you actually want me to do a dramatic pause? Hmm, interesting...

"Paris, it's going to be in Paris. Sadly I am unable to come on this one as I despise the French."

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Michelle: "Slainte muthaf**kas!"

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Wee English fella James (Having an outburst in the chippy): "I don't like it , OK! It's too greasy! It's much, much too greasy! Even the smell of it makes me feels physically sick!"

Michelle: "I'm sorry that you had to hear that Finnoula. (To James) You're a f***ing embarassment!"

Uncle Colm: “The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he 'Do you know who we are? And I says to him, says I 'Well I can't be sure now, maybe if you took off the balaclavas'.”

***

Aunt Sarah: "Awk, Finnoula what about ye? I thought I could smell vinegar."

***

Clare: "This is just wrong"

Michelle: "So are those ski pants Clare, but it didn't stop you pulling them over your hole this morning."

2018-02-03_new_38226767_I2.JPG
Ciaran (Jamie Beamish),Granda Joe (Ian McElhinney), Sarah McCool (Kathy Clarke) and Mary Quinn (Tara O'Neill)

Episode three

The girls are tense about a big exam and naturally jump at a dubious opportunity to get out of it, especially as it involves spending time with the beautiful Father Peter.

Michelle: (Talking about the famine) "We got the gist. They ran out of spuds, everyone was raging."

***

Aunt Sarah: "Awk don't talk to me, I was in bits last night, I didn't even manage my Chinese. Poor Tonto."

Erin: Toto. His name was Toto.

Aunt Sarah: "Aye nightmare, so it is."

Erin: "Does anyone have 10p, I'm ringing Childline."

Michelle: "You can't ring Childline every time your mother threatens to kill you."

Clare: "Yeah, you can't waste Esther's time like that!"

***

Ma Mary: "Is he alright?"

Sister Michael: "I wouldn't say so, no. He's a priest like..."

***

Michelle: "We're basically celebrities now, we're like The Corrs."

Orla: "Can I be Jim?"

Episode Four

Erin is so excited that teenage Katya 'a child of Chernobyl' is coming to stay, but Katya is not exactly grateful to be in Derry.

Aunt Sarah: (While taking change from the church collection basket) "Aye dead on Gerry, I'm gonna give them a whole fiver, that's definitely happening."

***

Sister Michael: "Lovely job so far Seamus, but, you know, keep it moving - Rawhide is on in 15 minutes."

***

Ma Mary: "What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?"

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Aunt Sarah: "Winking! At your age?! Christ, I feel sick."

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Granda Joe: "We met at the Stations of the Cross."

Erin: "Which station?"

Granda Joe: "Jesus falls for the second time."

Aunt Sarah: "I could do without the details Da!"

Michelle: "Clive is a wee prod from east Belfast. Clive came back from Ibiza, got on the wrong bus at Aldergrove airport then fell asleep. Clive woke up in Derry surrounded by Russians and fenians.

***

Erin: "Where's the real Artem?"

Michelle: "Giant's Causeway probably. Foreigners f***ing love the Giant's Causeway."

Episode Five

It's the 12th July and the Quinn family are rushing to get out of Derry before the Orange Parades start.

Ma Mary: "We need to shift ourselves. We're the last fenians standing."

Granda Joe: "Relax love, we've a good two or three hours before the rioting starts."

***

Erin: "You aren't psychic Aunt Sarah.

Aunt Sarah: "I am Erin, I did a course, I got a certificate."

***

Ma Mary: "I can't find my purse!

Da Gerry: "I can see your purse right there."

Ma Mary: "No that's my sterling purse! I'm talking about my punt purse! I can't find my punt purse Gerry, we are puntless!"

***

Da Gerry: "False alarm there St Anthony, sorry for troubling you."

***

Ma Mary: "What are they? Stilts?

Grand Joe: "Golf clubs."

Aunt Sarah: "I thought spatulas."

Da Gerry: "They're rifles! I don't understand what connection golf clubs, spatulas or stilts would have to the Irish resistance!"

Granda Joe: "Christ, he's a dose."

***

Ma Mary: "You're coming? What about the fact we're in grave danger?

Aunt Sarah: "Well it's a concern, but so's the fact I've nothing in for my Sunday dinner."

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Granda Joe: "Jesus, Jim's second best tent... how am I gonna break it to him?"

Episode Six

Erin is over the moon when she becomes editor of the school magazine.

Aunt Sarah: "There's no shame in doing a half load Mary."

Ma Mary: "I can't Sarah, I physically can't."

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Sister Michael: "I've just had a call from Louise Kerr's mother and it's not looking great. It's unlikely she'll be returning to school before the end of the year. So I think the only thing we can do now is..."

Girl: "Pray for her?"

Sister Michael: "No, sure what use will that do?"

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Orla: "I don't really believe in lesbians."

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Granda Joe: "Bridget Gallagher who works in the Post Office, she's a lesbian."

Aunt Sarah: "Is she not a vegetarian, Da?"

Granda Joe: "Sorry you're right, vegetarian Bridget is."

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