Transcript of Russell Brand's prank call
The following is a condensed transcript of the stream of phone calls made to former Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs, by BBC presenters Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand.
At times the presenters can be heard giggling and talking over the top of each other as Ross jokes at one point: "We can keep doing this for hours."
The calls were posted on the YouTube website (video below).
Russell Brand (RB): "This is Andrew Sachs's answerphone. Right Jonathan, well this is unconventional..
Jonathan Ross (JR): "Don't worry I'll blurt something out"
RB: "Don't blurt something out, not on the answerphone Jonathan.
Andrew Sachs's answerphone: "Sorry I can't answer at the moment, but please call again or leave a message. Speak after the tone, thank you."
RB: "Hello Andrew Sachs this is Russell Brand. I am a great appreciator of your work over the decades. You're meant to be on my show now mate, I don't know why you're not answering the phone, it's a bit difficult - I'm here with Jonathan Ross."
JR: "Hello Andrew..."
RB: "That's Jonathan Ross speaking now. Anyway, we understand.. anyway.. we can still do the interview to his answerphone..."
(The two presenters exchange banter)
JR: "He f***** your granddaughter!" (laughter)... I'm sorry I apologise. Andrew I apologise... I got excited, what can I say. it just came out."
RB: "Andrew Sachs, I did not do nothing with Georgina - oh no I've revealed I know her name! Oh no it's a disaster.
"Abort, abort. Please watch that show. I am out of The Bill, starring Andrew Sachs, I'm out of The Bill... Put the phone down, put the phone down, code red code red. I'm sorry Mr Fawlty I'm sorry, they're a waste of space..."
JR: "... How could I carry that round in my head like a big brain blister all day? I had to pop it and let the pressure out...
"Like it's really bothered us though, he's the poor man sitting at home sobbing over his answer machine...
"If he's like most people of a certain age he's probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they're young right by the phone.
"So while he's listening to the messages he's looking at a picture of her about nine on a swing."
RB: "She was on a swing when I met her. Oh no!"
JR: "And probably enjoyed her."
RB: "Let's ring back Andrew Sachs... What if he answers this time? Oh no Jonathan please. I'll do anything."
(Andrew Sachs's answerphone message comes on for a second time.)
RB: Andrew this is Russell Brand. I'm so sorry about the last message. It was part of the radio show. It was a mistake."
JR: "It was just a joke. If there is any truth in that, I don't know. It was just a joke."
RB: "It was just a joke that we done. I didn't ask him to say it though..."
JR: "It might be true, but we didn't want to break it to you in such a harsh way."
RB: "Ok, look the truth is, Andrew I'm ringing you to ask if I can marry, that's right marry your granddaughter, Georgina the granddaughter."
JR: "And I'd like to be a page boy."
RB: He wants to be a page boy. We're going to have a Fawlty Towers-themed wedding."
JR: "No, no, you've spoiled it..."
RB: "No I'm sorry I'll do anything. I wore a condom. Put the phone down. Oh, what's going to happen?..."
JR: "You'll never become king rat in the Variety Club now Russell Brand."
RB: "Oh no that's over for me. I'm never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we've made the situation worse."
JR: "Who'd have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse."
RB: "How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences."
JR: "Our intentions were pure."
RB: "You know the only way we can make this better don't you?"
JR: "Let's phone him again. Let's leave a nice message."
RB: "Listen, we've got to make it better. We'll phone Andrew Sachs back. We've got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I'm convinced we can make it better."
JR: "What should we not mention, the war?"
RB: "Don't mention the war, don't mention his granddaughter. Don't say: 'You only ever played Manuel'... Don't mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We'll just sing to him. I'll make up something as I go along."
JR: "I'll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie."
RB: "I've always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit."
(The answerphone message plays again).
JR: (as the message plays): "She was bent over the couch..."
RB (singing): "I'd like to apologise for these terrible attacks - Andrew Sachs.
"I'd like to show contrition to the max, Andrew Sachs.
"I'd like to create world peace, between the yellow, whites and blacks Andrew Sachs, Andrew Sachs.
"I said some things I didn't of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter.
"But it was consensual and she wasn't menstrual it was consensual lovely sex.
"It's full of respect. I sent her a text. I've asked her to marry me...
"Oh Andrew Sachs, will you marry Jonathan, it sounds like he wants to now."
JR: "This has made it worse, I feel it's made it worse, you've trivialised the whole terrible incident. It started fine and then you went on about nonsense."
RB: "You said you wanted to marry him..."
JR: "I wasn't really listening to you, I was concentrating on my back harmonies... There's only one way we could possibly make this better."
RB: "What can we do?"
JR: "Let's use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology... Pretend you're Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you've caused by saying that you jumped on a relative."
RB: "Yes, you're right Jonathan, you're right. Only by doing the exact thing that we've done three times already can we make the situation better."
JR: "If you learn one thing from history, it's do not repeat your mistakes."
RB: "Don't repeat them."
JR: "So let's do it right this time."
RB: "Thank God Jonathan."
JR: "Maybe this time... I want to do the song this time."
RB: "You're not doing the lyrics. You'll balls it up. And can't do backing it's not in my nature."
JR: "But you talked about his granddaughter's menstruation."
RB: "Look we've got a golden opportunity here, to make Andrew Sachs happy."
JR: "... we should go in a little bit more relaxed this time."
RB: "Right yeah that's true, let's not look at this as the last time we're going to call Andrew Sachs."
JR: "... The wonder of technology is such that we can keep doing this for hours."
RB: "And even after the show's finished Jonathan we can find out where Andrew Sachs lives, kick his front door in and scream apologies into his bottom... We can just keep on troubling Andrew Sachs... let's do it, right, ok.
"You pretend you're Andrew Sachs's answerphone."
JR: "Hello, Manuel is not in right now. Leave your message after the tone."
RB (as the phone rings again): "Alright Andrew Sachs's answerphone, I'm ever so sorry for what I said about Andrew Sachs."
JR: "Just say: 'Sorry'."
RB (laughing): "I'll kill you!"
JR: "Don't say you'll wear him as a hat, just say: 'Sorry'."
RB: "Sorry, right."