Reality TV makers love nothing more than a cliff hanging conversation. Why waste 40 minutes of watching (often) rich people go about their daily businesses, cameras following in their designer shoed footsteps, when you can have the final two minutes packed to the rafters with passive aggressive — or plain aggressive — retorts and someone always, always having the upper verbal hand.
If, like me, you love the Real Housewives, you’ll be nodding your head right about now. I’ve long given up viewing my RH viewing as a guilty pleasure.
There is no guilt. Given that I’ve shared my love for crime fighting nuns and matched up pairs who don’t engage face to face until they’re engaged, why not add another series to the mix.
Strictly speaking, the RH franchise isn’t a series, it’s a saga. A modern day equivalent of a very long poem you’d read in university. Sort of Milton’s Paradise Lost if it was set in California or Atlanta, with the newest members living in Dubai.
Hands up, one of the most frustrating moments of my former life in Dublin was not skulking about in a luxury department store while the ladies of Orange County — here to investigate one of their posse’s Irish roots, because, of course — fought and eventually departed the shop, not a shamrock-shaped chocolate or Aran jumper between them.
Yes, the Orange County series has its share of drama on both sides of the world but it is the Beverly Hills series I must bring to your attention — for its services to drama.
Over its 12 series, we’ve had friends falling out, friends reunited, legal woes, illness, marriage breakdowns and a wedding vow renewal (aka often the matrimonial kiss of death for a Real Housewife).
In current episodes, we’ve been treated to a new housewife — the unparalleled entrepreneur and philanthropist Diana Jenkins.
Diana was a Bosnian refugee who’s been involved in advocacy for the last two decades. She was quite literally made a life of which many of us could dream. And unlike so many of the housewives who’d gladly talk about you behind your back, Diana is first and foremost in your face.
I adore her. She is fresh and honest and ludicrously wealthy — and enjoying it. She arrived on the scene at Harry Hamlin’s 70th birthday party (Harry is married to Lisa Rinna. He makes excellent pasta sauce and works in Canada a fair bit. Your man from L.A. Law in the 1980s), fingers dotted with Cartier rings, and is unapologetic about who she is.
Bravo, Diana. She is also wickedly good at saying what she thinks. I’d watch 42 minutes of her alone. I’d watch her watch someone else do her food shopping.
She has a glam squad who travel ahead of her to ensure her room is suitably ready for her arrival. By this I mean, all the clothes are already neatly hanging up in the wardrobe and the windows are at the right angle. #lifegoals #livingyourbestlife
Diana has taken agin another housewife, Southern belle Sutton. She is also ridiculously wealthy (as in going to Dolce and Gabbana’s place to choose items to wear sort of loaded) and has a penchant for a pussy bow blouse.
At another housewife’s birthday party, Diana, fed up of Sutton’s ways, says: “You are the fakest person I’ve ever met in my life. Also, you’re boring. I can forgive everything. I can’t forgive being boring.”
As an aside the birthday girl had a cake in the shape of a Hermes Birkin. It was glorious and at $500, cost a minimum of 17 times less than at what an actual bag starts.
Sutton, bless her heart, tried to retaliate to Diana. Foolish.
“You’re a soulless person,” she said.
“You need a new villain?” Diana said. “Here I am.”
While Sutton clutched her imaginary pearls — I don’t doubt she owns a few pairs, probably gifted from her pals Dolce and Gabbana — Diana didn’t look in the least phased.
She left a warzone, a rich woman is not going to stand in her way.
You had to feel sorry for Sutton, who won the award for Best One Liner in last year’s series after she dissed another housewife’s ‘ugly leather pants’ (pants being trousers, it’s not that sort of show).
If there were RH Awards, a), can I host them and b), Diana would be dizzy going up and down from the platform collecting every accolade imaginable.
When Sutton commented that Diana wasn’t being ‘nice’ to her, it was time to stand well back.
“What? Should I yell, like you yelled at me? You know I’m Bosnian, I always respond well to yelling,” said Diana, recipient of Best Niche Sarcastic Comeback.
Sutton replied: “Oh yeah. I want to hear the Bosnian ‘tough girl.’”
Winner of Best Nonchalant Retort, Diana, says, “What? Do you want me to butt head you?”
You couldn’t make it up. Well, you could but it wouldn’t be as fun to watch. Hollywood has nothing on these women.