10 hilarious John Bishop jokes ahead of Belfast gigs
Comedian John Bishop is set to perform two gigs at the SSE Arena next week in association with the Belfast Comedy Festival.
The Liverpudlian star will take to the stage with his Winging It show on Wednesday 4 and Thursday 5 October.
And for a taste of what's in store, here's 10 hilarious jokes from the funnyman.
John on being a football fan
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
John on being a dad
"'It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian' I overheard a friend say. 'No' came my son’s reply. 'He’s a k**b'."
John on dealing with his teenage son
"To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night."
John on meeting his idol
"I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalglish and I would call him a friend - though his lawyer would call me a stalker. I don’t know why - just because I was in his garden!
John on keeping fit
"There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway."
John on Manchester
I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights – not a bad average.
John on performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd
"It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star - ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’."
John on friendship
"Everyone knows that when you've got friends, one of your friends is basically a d**khead. If you're thinking, 'None of my mates are a d**khead ... well..."
John on marriage
"My wife wanted a new fridge. And because I like sex, I said yeah."
John on dealing with people
"Going to the dump used to be great, you would go to the dump and get rid of stuff - now you have to pass an exam. I turned up at the dump and there's a guy there in a yellow vest and a clipboard. He's done an NVQ in clipboard management."
Belfast Telegraph Digital