Northern Ireland model Jordan Humphries: Advice I wish I'd known when relationship ended
It's one year on from my break-up, and having fought back from the depths of despair, here's advice I wish I'd read back then
A year ago, Lisburn make-up artist, model and blogger Jordan Humphries posted a heartbreaking account about the end of a relationship, which prompted a huge response. Now she’s penned a letter to herself, which she wishes she could have seen at the time
Hey Jordan, it's you, Jordan, exactly one year on from this precise moment. You are 26 years old which means you are a year older and trust me, you are definitely a year wiser.
I know that you feel absolutely horrendous right now and you've written this blog and it seems like you've made a big step just by getting some of it off your chest. You're going to get so much positive feedback from this post and a lot of people will tell you that it's helped them, and these responses will in turn help you to understand that how you feel right now is totally normal which, whilst reassuring, isn't really going to make you feel any better.
You've just made yourself a lot of false promises about good intentions to start eating healthily, hitting the gym and turning things around by generally facing life with a more positive outlook but to be honest, that's not going to happen for many, many months.
You're going to continue feeling like s*** and I'm sorry to say that there are more, even darker times ahead before the light will come back into your life.
I know you feel really lonely. You've lost the person you spoke to 24 hours a day and you miss those cute morning texts and the endless FaceTime calls.
You always had weekend plans before because you knew you'd be seeing him and it sucks now that you have to actively make plans weeks in advance with busy friends to make sure you aren't alone on a Saturday night.
Every time a picture of the two of you or a soppy status comes up on Timehop it feels like someone's stabbing you in the pit of your stomach.
When you hear one of 'your' songs or near enough any love song you could physically be sick. And every place you ever walked, ate dinner, sat together, kissed or said: 'I love you' feels like it's haunted by those memories and the pain you feel there is unbearable.
But I promise, within the year you won't miss him anymore. You'll eventually be thankful for the odd Saturday night with no plans because you've been so busy all week.
Timehops and old photographs will just wash over you and the girl in those pictures won't even feel like they were you anymore. You'll enjoy your favourite songs again without associating them to him, or when you do, it'll pass as a fleeting thought and the song will once again just be a song. And you will go to Zen and the Grand Opera House and the Slieve Donard and Cranfield again and enjoy new experiences there, without dwelling on the past. It's just going to take time.
To be completely honest with you, you're going to spend your 26th birthday (in May, so unfortunately we are talking about a long time from now) thinking about him and how you should have been spending it together and how it's just not fair. You're going to end the night sitting in tears with dad, saying you don't know where your life is going and you feel worthless and pathetic and that you just miss him. You'll spend many, many more nights in tears in fact, feeling empty and alone and lost, even though you will rationalise in your head hundreds of times why he's no good for you and why it didn't work out.
You'll make bullet points and list endless reasons with your friends as to why you are better off without him and why you weren't compatible and he will continue to say and do things that prove this, 100 times over.
He will say things that will break you and do things that will almost destroy you. You'll wonder how this guy could ever had said (and still continue to say) he loved you because you don't treat people you love this way. You'll feel angry and disgusted at him but despite it all, your feelings still won't go away.
Despite the rationalising and the logic and trying to think with your head, your heart will still overrule it for a long time. You'll get days where you miss him SO much; but all you really miss is the memory of a relationship that was never truly what you though t it was.
Eventually, you will let that rational side of your brain win your internal arguments you have with yourself, but this will only happen when you love YOU again and finally understand your own worth and the qualities that you possess that only deserve to be shared with someone very special.
So, what's happened in this past year? Well, thankfully from the point where you are now things will (very) gradually improve. Work-wise, stop worrying. I know going self-employed has been a really big, scary step and there are days where you think you're just going to have to give up and get a 9 to 5, but keep trucking on because business will come.
You'll get clients and do some really amazing fashion and commercial jobs that you're going to love. And you're going to make money from other things as well, starting with the blog post you've just written, in fact.
People are going to notice that you can write and over the next year you'll be writing articles, blogs and even songs that people will pay you for - things you never thought you would do, even though you know you are capable.
You're also going to get back in to modelling - for shoots, shows and even at Belfast FashionWeek (and no, it's not plus-size modelling as you maybe think reading this now).
I guess that's the next thing I should tell you. You're going to lose four and a half stone… no don't adjust your screen, you did read that correctly. Come March, your body confidence will be at an all time low, after months of comfort eating, drinking and sheer laziness. You'll feel fat, unattractive, and embarrassed about wearing anything that isn't baggy and oversized to disguise yourself.
So you're going to get a big (metaphorical) kick up the a** and get serious about changing your body. But amazingly, this isn't going to be another phase of yo-yo dieting, you're going to completely change your whole lifestyle. It'll take willpower and determination, but with gym classes and sensible eating, your weight will begin to come off and you'll develop a new-found confidence.
You're going to become so body confident and determined that you're actually going to enter in to a bikini modelling/body building contest, you mad cow! There's no need to freak out though, it's three weeks from my time of writing this and you feel ready and excited.
Here's another shocker while we're on this theme, you don't really drink anymore. And given that you're currently on at least two glasses of wine a night plus mad weekend binge-drinking sessions this probably seems totally unbelievable!
You'll still enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine on occasion, but in general you've realised booze is bad for you. It's bad for the waistline, but it's really, really bad for you emotionally.
Kiss goodbye to the two-day post-booze-up anxiety/alcohol blues and say hello to fresh Sundays filled with walks and hikes instead (you are probably rolling your eyes right now. You hate the person you've become, right? It's a better way of life, I promise!)
In terms of friendships, you'll have a few core friends who will help you and strengthen you and lift you up time and time again and they will just be incredible (even when they're bound to be exhausted listening to your whining).
Totally random people you would never think of calling on will also support and encourage you and it will mean the world. And going through this heartbreak is going to make you a lot more empathetic and compassionate, so you will in turn become a better friend to others too.
You'll realise the importance of little texts and cards and coffee dates and doing these little things for people in need of company or a friend at a tough time will mean the world to them.
Aw Jordan. It's going to be a really tough year, and whilst I can't give you an exact date where you'll start to feel better or pinpoint what your 'turning point' will be, I promise, so many good things are going to happen.
You're not dating anyone yet but you are content. You've realised that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person and you should never change any part of yourself to be with somebody.
You have a great sense of humour, so don't pretend to laugh at someone's crap jokes or lad banter just because you think they're good looking.
You're really smart, so don't dumb yourself down or give up striving for interesting conversation - if you're going to be with someone for life, small talk ain't gonna cut it.
You're passionate, motivated and driven, don't settle for someone who is not.
Whilst at the moment you can only reflect on and weep for the good things you had in your relationship, one day you will see all the negatives clearly and know that you and he were never meant to be. I PROMISE.
If only I could prise that phone out of your hand right now and block his number and save you from so many heartbroken nights. Save you tears. Save you pointlessly spending hours writing messages that fall on deaf ears.
You can't argue with stupid and sadly, sometimes people just can't see that they're wrong.
It's funny that the old cliché that you hate so much right now is so true: time is a healer. It's the only thing that will heal your pain. Wine doesn't, food doesn't, losing weight doesn't, even your friends and family, with the best will in the world, can't take the pain away. Only time can do that.
So, good luck over the next few months, Jordan. I certainly wouldn't want to re-live them and I think you are amazing for getting through them. Stay strong and believe in yourself, because everything will be fine.