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Dear Louanne: I’m not ready to enjoy myself after my break-up – but my ex is

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There's no quick fix for a relationship break-up

There's no quick fix for a relationship break-up

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There's no quick fix for a relationship break-up

Dear Louanne

I’ve been separated from my boyfriend for six months and it’s not getting any easier. He is back out socialising, I see it on his social media, and it’s difficult to look at because I don’t feel ready yet. I miss him every day but he doesn’t seem to care about us. We were together two years.

KA

Hello KA

Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such sadness around the ending of an important relationship.

When relationships end we not only miss the person we care about, we grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams that this special person embodied for us.

You were together for two years. Perhaps you thought and hoped that the relationship would progress to deeper commitment but instead it came to an end.

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Endings are not easy for us. They bring about change that we maybe do not feel prepared for, especially if the ending was not one we chose.

When the person we love leaves us it can impact our sense of ourselves, our confidence, our capacity to attract someone again.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and you would immediately feel better. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for overcoming the sadness and loss that you are currently feeling.

It is important to experience the feelings that you are having, they are telling you that this relationship was meaningful to you. You are allowed to feel sad, to grieve.

It is important to take care of yourself at this vulnerable time.

Some of the things that you can try include:

  • It’s time to start making some new memories. It’s possible that you are spending a lot of time thinking and remembering the past. If you can start to spend time with friends, if you can start to go out more and enjoy the lifting of restrictions to resume some of the things that you enjoyed. Sometimes when we are involved in a relationship we lose sight of the things that we enjoyed. Now you have the chance to explore what makes you happy. Or start to think of taking up some things that you always meant to but never had the time.
  • Look after your physical health, eat well, get enough sleep, stay hydrated, exercise more. Even if you are finding it hard to motivate yourself try to get some exercise in, it will be a change to your routine and support you with the feel good hormone endorphin. You don’t have to sign up for gym membership — you can simply go on lovely walks. Try walking by the sea or in wooded areas — the oxygen levels are higher in these places and they enrich our well-being and mood.
  • Stay off your ex’s social media. Tempting though it might seem to lurk it is not going to help you feel better about yourself at the moment.
  • In the end, be kind to yourself, be gentle. You are wounded — but you will heal.

For more information on Relate NI, see www.relateni.org


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