Slutty girl turned group against me
Northern Ireland's number one agony aunt Fiona answers your problems
Dear Fiona, A friend and I used to be close but she has become so foul-mouthed and crude, so I don’t bother with her much any more.
She has had numerous one-night stands but I’ve never looked down on anyone for that.
Recently a friend asked if I slept with a guy I’d had a date with so I jokingly said, “I’d never be such a little slapper”. She overheard me and has been telling everyone I was attacking her personally.
She honestly hadn’t crossed my mind but now all my friends who have had one-night stands think I look down on them too.
She’s been telling other huge lies about me and I’m going to confront her. Why is she doing this and how should I confront her?
Dear Furious Female,
The defence mechanism known as projection occurs when an unacceptable feeling or thought arises, but instead of admitting to it, the person thinking it imagines ‘This is what someone else feels, or thinks, or actually is’.
Therefore, your friend may subconsciously believe this girl is ‘a little slapper‘ but is projecting this thought onto you because she can’t accept the truth of her own nature.
There’s some denial here but you’ve become a kind of mirror reflecting her poor self-image which explains her resentment towards you.
It’s also possible that adopting a ‘victim’ persona is a clever strategy. She’s manipulating the others to feel protective of her, gaining their allegiance while effectively ostracising you because by allegedly attacking her moral code, you’re seen to be attacking them also.
Resentment towards you for distancing yourself could also be motivating her.
Don’t lose control over this — be rational when confronting her. Her talent for twisting words means it may be best to have someone witness the interaction. Speak with her in the spirit of seeking to understand, not in attack mode.
But you should also ask yourself honestly if you actually did wish to gain superiority and whether you’re partially responsible for her current behaviour towards you.