Blog a help in dealing with trauma
This is an extract from Colm Smyth's blog, which he started to highlight his feelings as the anniversary approaches.
The devil knows he is winning, he has found my despair hiding deep within the recesses of my mind, the guilt is so strong it makes my stomach ache, tears well up, I want to scream but I cannot.
This is nobody else’s fight, I must prevail and I have to win. I have to see truth where he spreads lies. I must honour the dead while accepting my innocence. I must not accept the guilt that belongs to the gunmen.
In my despair, I reach for a physical presence. Anything will do, the side of my bed, a pillow, the hand of my wife, my bedside drawers. I need to haul myself back to 6am, return from the past. I then realise the awful truth, the truth that will both save me and fill me with dread. I will not win this fight, not today, but I can survive until tomorrow.
My fight takes a new twist, I feel the power of 17 years of a wonderful marriage, the image of my two fantastic boys, an 11-year-old who reminds me of my younger self, a 16-year-old whose empathy and love is like a tribute to the best in us all.
The love of my family emits like radar, sending a homing signal for me to follow. I start to realise I can do this, today is not the day I lose. I race back from the past and the devil knows the game is up.