I hate Christmas with the full might of my heart and soul, multiplied by an infinite number. I hate Christmas so much that if aliens took over the world and immediately banned all things festive, I would stand up and applaud. People always ask what tragedy befell me on Christmas Day to make me despise it so much.
Other than having some suspicions over the existence of Santa, I've always reluctantly had a merry enough Christmas.
I just don't like how it involves stampeding around like a swivel-eyed eejit.
So as a present from me to you, here are 10 reasons why I really, really hate Christmas:
1) Shopping mania. Where do you start with the crazy consumerism? Yep, it's impossible to avoid Christmas shopping and we're long past the stage of reminding people it's a religious date. But please calm down with the frenzied last-minute credit card bashing. It's the same date every single year, there's no need to get on like it was sprung on you.
2) Gender imbalance. The only presents from the Harrison household not bought or wrapped by me are my own. (And this year, my present has been wrapped in birthday paper). I suspect "What have you got for me to give to my uncle?'' is a familiar question to most wives. While I'm one of the lucky ones (my husband takes care of all food shopping and cooking) there's no doubt the stressful organisation for Christmas largely falls on the shoulders of us women.
3) Gluttony. No-one loves the non-stop gorb-fest of Christmas as much as me. It's the one day of the year it's acceptable to eat an entire box of chocolates alone. But it's not just one day is it? It's a whole month of pure gluttony - and there's nothing as sobering as weighing yourself on New Year's Day.
4) Boxing Day sale TV ads on Christmas Day. Nothing says peace, goodwill and the birth of Christianity quite like being screamed at about a half price sofa while digesting a Brussel sprout.
5) Christmas jumpers. No-one over the age of five should ever wear a Rudolph jumper. No self-respecting man should be allowed to wear a jumper with a protruding carrot.
6) The Disney Store. It's a magical winter wonderland packed with all our favourite characters. But the endurance required to stand in a never-ending queue while listening to the Frozen soundtrack and glaring at other people's children is immense. If you can make it to the till without wanting to punch Mickey Mouse repeatedly, you've done well.
7) Traffic. No matter where you drive in Belfast, at any time of day, the traffic is always crazy at this most wonderful time of the year. Maybe Santa secretly really works for the DRD and it's a cruel ploy to get us all on the bus?
8) It gets earlier every year. Hurry there's only 372 shopping days til next Christmas. Surely you're not going to wait until the end of next summer, when the toy ads will start bombarding impressionable young minds, before you start preparing?
9) The early start. I don't care how excited you are about what Santa delivered - 4.30am is never an acceptable hour to get up. Get back to bed!
10) Being laughed at for never having seen It's A Wonderful Life. Unbelievable but true - I've never watched this most iconic Christmas movie, to the incredulity of everyone I know. I'm too busy watching The Grinch and Scrooged.
Despite my curmudgeonly attitude, I'd still like to wish you all a happy Christmas. A sincere bah humbug to one and all.
The Missing is one of the most gripping dramas I’ve seen in ages but there was something, um, missing from the big finale — like the conclusion we’ve all patiently suffered weeks for!
It was a rollercoaster episode but cruelly the writers left us, like Jimmy Nesbitt’s distraught father Tony, riven with doubt. Was Olly trafficked? Who was the teenage Russian? Just how big would that beard get in Russian custody? It’s hard not to feel frustrated by the ending. The only thing I know for sure is that Nesbitt should be clearing some space on his mantelpiece.
It hasn’t even started yet and already The Jump has claimed its first victim. Strictly dancer Ola Jordan has become the first celebrity to hobble off the brutal winter sports show which became my unexpected reality TV treat of the year.
The first series saw almost every contestant carted off in an ambulance — much to the glee of Channel 4 audiences. Brave victims for the upcoming series will include Sally Bercow and Heather Mills hurtling down an icy mountain. It’s not a matter of whether anyone will follow Ola into A&E, but when. Is it cruel to wish Sally a snowy catastrophe?