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Will life as Princess Kate be all that fabulous?

I thought about the winter ski-ing in the Alps, the sumptuous five-course lunches, superior healthcare, the constant smell of fresh Farrow -amp; Ball, and I felt a brief pang of envy as I hung around in my tiny kitchen waiting for my Scotch pie to ping.

However, having now read the details of Royal etiquette which Kate will have to observe for the rest of her life, I must conclude that Wills and I could never have worked out.

She will be expected to spend every Christmas with her husband's frosty family but her own folks will not be invited.

If she ever turns her back on her mother-in-law, or speaks before she's spoken to, she'll be banished to the tower.

No matter how delicious the truffles are, if the old dear stops chewing (and elderly people generally have small appetites), Princess Kate will be expected to put her cutlery down, no matter how bloody starving she is.

I may be naive but I'm stunned that a set of rules so disrespectful, patronising and demeaning as these are still practised by the 'modernising' Royals.

If there's any chance of the engaged couple binning them for good one day, then roll on King Willie.

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