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It’s time that Cliff acted his age

Fears for Cliff Richard's health were expressed this week when it was revealed that, at nearly 70 years old, the singer has the toned and flawless body of a young man.

What‘s he not doing to himself to bring about such an unnatural state?

Chaps from 17 to 70 looked on in admiration and thought: “I'll have some of what he's drinking.”

That would be a glass or two of plonk every night. I tried that, but I still didn't develop any pecs, even after six or seven glasses.

But Cliff didn't get where he is today just by drinking wine. He maintains a strict diet and exercise regime.

I knew there'd be a catch. For starters, as it were, he only eats one meal a day. I could do that, but it would have to be two family-sized steak pies covered in chicken madras, a mountain of oven chips and fried mushrooms, while not forgetting that important bit of cress to give me my 0.5 a day.

It is 0.5, isn't it?

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In addition, Sir Cliff plays tennis three times a week, goes to the gym twice, and walks five miles for fun. I see. Interesting.

Well, if you see the soon-to-be septuagenarian, give him this message from me, will you: sod off, sonny.