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Leave off our Cheryl, do you hear

Like most upstanding citizens, I dislike Simon Cowell. The shape of his head is all wrong. If he were in a teen vampire show, he’d mutate into something covered in mucous and scurry off into the shrubbery whenever the Moon was gibbous.

Now he has hurt My Cheryl, getting her booted off the American X Factor. Ms Cole is seething. The Yanks told her to lose two stones and complained about her Geordie accent. That works two ways.

I’ve just watched an American show with subtitles on because I couldn’t understand what they were saying.

And don’t get me started on ‘received pronunciation’: “You can text BBC Radio Faw on Faw-Faw-Faw, Faw-Faw-Faw. Now, on PM, Eddie Meh interviews the Meh of London.” Meh, indeed.

It’d be a happier world if Cheryl read the news, Cowell got a stake through his heart, and the Yanks tried making their earlobes work for once.

Belfast Telegraph