Hair-raising new research into Victorian health cures reveals that rubbing the bonce with an onion was thought to cure baldness.
Such is the despair at the lack of a modern-day cure that the news sent desperate coots flocking to fruit and veg counters to stock up on the edible bulbs.
However, late last night, leading experts from around the world held an emergency press conference, at which they made clear that the cure was fake.
They also called on bald people not to deprive families of onions for their stews and soups. The unprecedented scale of the panic highlights the anguish caused by the remarkable spread of baldness in the last few decades.
In the Edwardian era, it was possible to spend one's entire life without seeing a bald person, except in the circus.
Today, nearly all men are bald, and it's even suggested that Britain could have her first bald prime minister before 2070.