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Why William and Kate's new butler is unlikely to clean up

I regret to announce that I won't be applying for the job of butler to William and Kate, the young royals whose recent wedding led to a massive, warm-hearted return to medieval values across Britain and even beyond, wherever that is.

I'd make a pretty good butler, as I'm well-mannered and always apologise for my frequent outbreaks of flatulence.

However, I get uptight in over-controlled environments and fear that, one day, I'd lose the plot, tossing my tray of iced Pimms and dry-roasted peanuts across the room, shouting the odds about the coming revolution, and tearing off my starched collar, before exiting head-first through a closed window. It could happen to any of us.

Jobs are also going for a housekeeper, valet and dresser. Traditionally, the royals are low payers, and employees rely largely on selling their secrets to tabloid newspapers at a later date.

But William and Kate seem squeaky clean. I can't see them doing anything fetishistic, or indulging in carnal activites that call for dollops of creme freche. They seem more like bio-yogurt types.

Mind you, their easy seduction of a romance-starved nation was a frightening phenomenon.

Just when you think civilisation is making strides, the British Establishment lays on a choir in a big, gothic building, and the peasantry go bananas with joy. That said, I rather enjoyed it myself. I'm a stern man normallybut I cried for hours and got through two boxes of Quality Street on that memorable day, whenever it was.

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How we laughed at descriptions of the Middleton family as 'commoners'.

They're loaded, live in chocolate-box country, and have a person called Pippa on the strength. You could roam the council estates of Britain for months and never come across a Pippa.

Recently, the Middletons even won a contract to sell merchandise pertaining to the pop singer Jeremy Bieber, if that is the name.

How peculiar. For some reason, I'd got it into my head that the Middletons were farmers.

Farmers, by and large, don't get involved with Biebers. The two activities are incompatible. It'd be like having a prospectus that reads: "O'Blenkinsop -amp; Son, Chartered Accountants. Also fencing, grass-cutting, roof repairs."

I've just speed-read a long article about the Middletons and remain none the wiser about what they do, other than that they have a large amount of money, mysteriously acquired.

That said, you'll recall Woody Allen's boast about his speed-reading: "I've just read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia." So, perhaps I missed a salient detail.

I recall the shock that swept the nations when the Daily Mail revealed Kate was doing her own shopping with a trolley and everything.

Obviously, this state of affairs could not continue. Hence the need for staff.

Being from humble stock myself, we only had a butler but no valet.

Indeed, I've just had to look the word up, and find it's just the same as a butler.

Don't write in if it isn't. I'm not that ruddy interested.

It's defined as 'a gentleman's gentleman' so perhaps the butler serves both of them but the valet helps only William to dress and undress, brush his teeth, and so forth.

Sounds like challenging work. Not really for anyone prone to tray-throwing and flatulence.