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This blasphemy law would have Father Ted spinning in his grave

By Sharon Owens

Oh, those pesky Aherns! Bertie Ahern was in charge when the Irish nation almost lost the run of itself over ever-escalating property prices.

Cecelia Ahern must have made penniless authors around the world despair as she shifted her ‘magical realism’ novels by the million. And now Dermot Ahern is allegedly trying to make blasphemy a crime in Ireland.

Quite clearly, the man is on a hiding to nothing. For every case that is taken against an outspoken atheist may well result in another case being taken against the religious person.

And so the whole thing will turn into a Father Ted-style slanging match that will make Ireland the laughing stock of the civilised world.

Can you imagine the scenes in courtrooms up and down the country? Academics, atheists and the faithful alike, all roaring and shouting about holy tree stumps? I predict an influx to Ireland of religious fanatics of all kinds.

This new law is so ridiculous that I suspect it’s all a bit of a joke. Or maybe it’s Dermot’s way of getting his name into the history books?

After all, there are some people who believe that Tony Blair only went to war in Iraq because |he could.

So perhaps history will record that Dermot Ahern tried to fine atheists just because he could? Or is it a desperate ploy to scrape together some much-needed funds for the government coffers?

The scary thing is that it may be possible to extradite offenders from across Europe to answer blasphemy charges in an Irish court. If this happens, I’d better watch myself.

Or maybe I’ll embrace the free publicity with open arms? After all, the fine being bandied about wouldn’t pay for an advert in Heat magazine.

So if I did ever end up in the dock for my secular views I’d be getting more publicity for my harmless romantic novels than my various publishers could ever dream of. It’s almost worth saying something deliberately provocative just to challenge this medieval idea.

Wise up, Dermot! It is not possible in this day and age to control what people think. You cannot prevent people from having independent ideas and thoughts.

You only serve to make organised religion appear frightened of secular ideas and nostalgic for the Bad Old Days of witch-burning, pond-ducking and torture chambers.

If God (and he may exist for I have no way of knowing whether God exists or not) had wanted us all to be the same, he would not have given us the ability to think and reason. He would not have given us individual personalities. He would not have given us the creators of Father Ted.

Oh Dermot Ahern, what were you thinking of? That poignant image of Mother Ireland as a downtrodden illustration from the Great Famine, begging at the roadside in a tassel-edged blanket, was almost wiped from the global consciousness. And now it will be back with a vengeance.

American companies will be scrambling to get out of the place. For how can they support America’s ‘War on Terror’ if Ireland turns out to be no better than the most devout Islamic nations when it comes to freedom of speech?

All I can say is, thank God I didn’t move across the border to dodge the auld tax bills when I first got a publishing deal in 2002. For I could now be stuck in a Dublin apartment with negative equity, and a court case for blasphemy pending.

Father Ted is one of my all-time favourite TV programmes: Father Ted Crilly has ambitions beyond his talents, Father Dougal is a bewildered young man, Father Jack is a deranged malcontent and Mrs Doyle is the miserable skivvy who looks after them.

Craggy Island is a bleak and wind-battered place full of unhappy locals. And the cultural highlight of the year is the Lovely Girl competition.

Who would have thought that the real Ireland could possibly turn out to be even more ridiculous than this daft-but-brilliant TV-show? The late Dermot Morgan (who starred as Father Ted) must be spinning in his grave.

I have only one thing to say to religious people of any denomination: if your faith is so sound and secure and such a comfort to you, then why would you even bother to give a moment’s attention to a poor, deluded dissenter like me?

And is there anybody I can sue for filling my formative years with nightmares about burning in hell for all eternity? For I’ve been battling with a chronic fear of failure ever since.

Belfast Telegraph

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