Belfast Telegraph

Cooper Brown: Charged with common assault

The census guy that I got into an “altercation” with has now pressed charges and the police contacted me in London asking me to come down to the country to answer some questions.

I drove down with Victoria and dropped her off at her parents before heading for the police station. I knew where it was, as I’d had to go there after Victoria’s mom had been arrested when she assaulted a Jehovah’s Witness following one of her gin benders. I’d managed to do a little deal with the duty officer – he’d been particularly keen on one of the tithe cottages and he found himself able to move in on a vastly reduced rent. I presumed it would be the same guy and that this would be a mere formality.

Sadly for me, there was a new sheriff in town and this one was an A-star idiot. He was one of those cops who thinks it’s all about the book, no room for any discussions. I asked him what we could do to make things “go away” and he closed me down quicker than a Frenchman’s wallet.

After a long interview which was all very formal and boring he charged me with common assault and told me that I’d be up before a court as soon as was possible. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him whether he knew Victoria’s parents? He pretended to not have a clue who they were. I told him that there was a load of trouble headed his way if this carried on but he took offence at this and threatened to charge me with threatening a police officer. I then threatened to report him for threatening me. It was a Wiltshire stand-off and I was never going to win this one. Cooper Out.


A handsome bald male, Cooper Brown is a 21st century success story. While doing an internship at Paramount in LA some big shots liked the Cooper style and took him under their wing. Now he’s a veteran of the shallow, backstabbing and treacherous movie industry, and he loves it.

Twitter- @icooperbrown

Belfast Telegraph


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