Belfast Telegraph

Cooper Brown: Visiting the in-laws

Victoria has hired a Toyota "Pious" so that mom can get down to the country to meet her folks. This car just reeks of self-satisfaction and under-performance.

Mom loves it and we spend a humiliating half an hour in a traffic jam on the A40 with her telling everyone who'll listen that "Jesus loves you" out of the window. She really hurt her knee in the bicycle crash yesterday and she won't stop moaning about how she's going to be permanently disabled.

To be honest, she's so fat that I can't see much difference in her mobility and quite honestly, if it's that bad, why doesn't Jesus do something to help?

We get to Wiltshire for lunch and predictably mom is all blown away by Victoria's parents' house. "Omigod ... it's a palace!!!" she screams as the Colonel comes to the door. I can see that he is physically repulsed by her but he does that rictus British grin thing and invites her in. She waddles about the place oohing and aaahhing at everything she sees. There is no sign of Victoria's mom. When we are alone for a second, Victoria tells me that she had a big flip-out last night and drank two bottles of vodka in half an hour and tried to set the house on fire.

She is in hospital under sedation so everything is more tense than usual, which says a lot. Mulligan pops by and does an unsubtle double-take when he meets my mom. He gives me that look that means this confirms what he's always thought about Americans. I want to die. Cooper Out.


A handsome bald male, Cooper Brown is a 21st century success story. While doing an internship at Paramount in LA some big shots liked the Cooper style and took him under their wing. Now he’s a veteran of the shallow, backstabbing and treacherous movie industry, and he loves it.

Twitter- @icooperbrown

Belfast Telegraph


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