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At least English is tops at Eurovision

So the UK bottom of the heap and Ireland not doing a whole lot better. Again.

Always instructive, this year's Eurovision tells us a hell of a lot about certain ‘realities'.

The first of which, to get things out in the open, is that both Britain and Ireland's efforts were flat out gobbling turkeys.

Josh Dubovie’s That Sounds Good To Me was so bland it should be used as a treatment for ulcers and Ireland's Niamh Kavanagh’s It’s For You was a poor man's rip off of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. Except this time we were all rooting for the iceberg.

Also, it confirmed the geographically obvious. Apart from each other, Britain and Ireland don't have any neighbours. And post-Iraq, the UK has precious few friends on the continent. Also, maybe our continental cousins know something we don't, judging by all the ‘Our friends, the Germans' stuff from the various capitals of Europe.

But still, let's not get too downhearted because if the show wasn't a triumph of our songwriting skills, it still demonstrated that the Anglo-phone world roolz OK.

From the humblest ‘stan' to even nations like Belgium (which has two non-English tongues from which to choose), heavily accented English seems to be the order of the day.

Even Germany — Germany! — demonstrated that when it comes to music, we're still the man (or der man). Lena's Satellite was not just sung in English, it was straight from the Lily Allen School of Mockney. It seems that they're all going men'le for it in the Strausses of the Fatherland.

Remember all those pious thought pieces years ago about Brits having to learn a second language (usually German) or be left behind. Wot they know? Nuffink.

All together now: Londin, Londin, Sarf Inglund Uber Alles ...

Belfast Telegraph