Gas the Jews! Hilarious, eh? I know it will be difficult to contain yourselves after that gem of a joke, but when you have finished guffawing we need to talk not just about what constitutes humour these days but also about the current, concerted and right across the political spectrum rise in anti-Semitism.
She panted, she pushed, her breath coming in gasps as she announced that finally it was all over. Never mind what the latest royal birth took out of Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, it was another marathon labour for Sky TV's Kay Burley.
The pub chain JD Wetherspoon has shut down all its social media accounts on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram because owner Tim Martin has decided it's all a waste of time.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have released their wedding gift list. And you'll be pleased to learn that they aren't asking for toasters, Nutribullets or luxury private yachts.
Loyalist paramilitary organisations - three of them, anyway - say they are turning their backs on crime, will in future expel members engaged in criminality and intend to support the rule of law. Wonderful news, of course.
Well done to 18-year-old gymnastics star, Rhys McClenaghan, who won gold this week at the Commonwealth Games in Australia.
Reports this week that the North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was apparently "deeply moved" by a pop concert in Pyongyang featuring K-Pop stars (as they're called) from neighbouring South Korea.
Hey, celebrities, leave them kids alone... Watching at the weekend, those moving scenes of American youth taking to the streets in their hundreds of thousands to protest against guns in general, the NRA (National Rifle Association) in particular and, above all, US politicians who are in that organisation's pocket, you did - almost - get a sense that revolution was in the air.
After all those years of tiocfaidh ar la-ing, Gerry Adams' day finally came at the weekend. Courtesy of Bill de Blasio, Mayor of New York City, Gerry was presented with a "proclamation" recording that Mr de Blasio has taken it upon himself to rebrand St Patrick's Day as Gerry Adams Day.
First they came for the car driven by the poisoned former Russian spy… Then, when they realised that a nerve agent may have been used, they came for the flatbed truck which came to take away the former spy's car. I'm just surprised we haven't had a story about how they subsequently came for the lorry that took away the flatbed truck… The British government's response to what appears to have been Russian government involvement in the killing of citizens living in the UK has been utterly cack-handed.
One of my earliest memories was the death of my lovely grandfather - my mother's father - who was mown down on his bicycle by a drunk driver.
So, you're getting ready for your Big Day and you're ticking off all those last minute things-to-do for a bride-to-be. The dress fittings, the hen party, the seating plan at the reception, your conversion into another religion by the Archbishop of Canterbury, your nails, the training exercise with the SAS in case you get kidnapped...
Here we go again. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who was recently reported to be downsizing his restaurant chain, is now back doing what he does best.
Only in America is the answer to the question of guns, more guns. At least it is, if you are Donald or Ivanka Trump who now both suggest that the obvious response to the horror of school mass shootings is to turn teaching staff into a quasi Delta Force.
It's getting increasingly difficult to keep up with Time's Up, the solidarity campaign spawned in response to the Hollywood harassment scandal where actresses have risen up to fight sexism, sex abuse and wage inequality through that obvious medium of dark coloured evening wear.
Dear Mary Lou McDonald,
The boy was 16 years old and he'd agreed to come down to meet me in the Belfast Telegraph building. For obvious reasons he didn't want a reporter to be seen coming up anywhere near his house.
In the aftermath of that shocking story about the violent aggravated burglary that left an elderly lady in Aughnacloy fighting for her life, a striking picture of PSNI officers appeared in some media reports of the follow-up investigation.
As we draw to the end of Veganuary - the now annual drive to persuade the nation that vegan is the way to go - the one big vegetable-related story that sticks in my mind from a month of commercial attempts to cash in on the campaign is the sad saga of the cauliflower "steak".
The Pope has a point. According to his holiness, the world is now but one step away from nuclear war. One quick button push.
You could be forgiven for thinking that we've cornered the market on symbolism in Northern Ireland with our addiction to flags and emblems.
Not for a second, says Barry McElduff, Member of Parliament for West Tyrone, did he realise any possible link between the product brand name of the loaf he was videoed balancing on his head - and the Kingsmill massacre.
Today is Day Three. And if you are one of the millions who annually launch into a self-improvement/health kick to mark the start of another new year, giving up the booze and the fags, the buns, the hoarding of clutter and the irrational spending on stuff you don't need, you will know full well the significance of Day Three.
Congratulations Eamonn Holmes OBE. Or as we should perhaps more accurately call him, Mr Television OBE.
The overarching problem with winter wonderlands, I always think, is that the 'wonder' bit in the title tends to raise expectations somewhat.
There are lies, damned lies and now something called the International Statistic of the Year.
Clever PSNI officers have been using the recent snowy, frosty weather as a means of spotting cannabis factories in local houses.
Somewhere in our house, in one of those places where I put things to be safe but can never ever lay hands on them again, there is a torn sheet of paper with the names of a squad of rugby players from the 1930s written in thin, elegant strokes.
In a week in which Brexit has dominated the headlines, I've been focused on a small Brexit of my own. My own breaking news ... the other night walking up stone steps with some friends I misjudged my footing. Like Theresa May, I hit a hard border.
And so congratulations are in order. To Harry and Meghan, of course - and also, if we are to believe Arlene Foster's Twitter feed, an unsuspecting Prince William.
According to reports from the medical front, doctors are steadily making progress towards the day when they will successfully carry out a head transplant. Aside from the scientific challenges, what always intrigues me about this story (and, yes, I'm being a bit of a pedant here) is whether the operation should actually be termed a 'head transplant'.
Here's another thing Gerry missed out on. The Gerry Adams Christmas Annual. Jeremy Corbyn has one.
A court in Frankfurt has ruled that Kuwait Airways did not break the law by refusing to carry a passenger who had booked a flight with the airline company last year.
The hospitality business is a tough world even in the best of times and the best of places. It's a bit of an understatement to note that Belfast in the early Eighties was neither of those things.
Stormont. There we all were wracking our brains for a solution to the latest impasse and all but giving up hope - and suddenly there steps forward a saviour with all the answers.
About a week ago I was walking through Belfast mid-afternoon when I spotted some sort of incident unfolding on the corner of Castle Place and Royal Avenue. Being nosy (a healthy attribute in journalist, I always feel) I sped over to where a number of police vehicles were parked.
From the mouth of the Chief Constable himself we learn that Northern Ireland currently has around 100 fully operational paramilitary and organised crime gangs. The former, of course, may also be filed under the latter heading.
Harvey Weinstein ... how exactly did Hollywood allow that to happen? For in-depth analysis, we go over now to the red carpet outside the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, where the doyennes of the US movie industry are gathered, resplendent as ever in their designer T-shirts, spouting slogans about female empowerment and support for the sisterhood.
Should penny-pinching be a degree subject? The debate about student fees - keep, cut or entirely abolish? - has been back in the headlines ever since old Jezza rashly intimated he might scrap them altogether.
As someone almost once said, there are lies, damned lies... and things we tell the tourists.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who fell in love with a handsome prince. She'd been over to his palace to visit the Queen. He'd been over to meet her folks.
Ryanair and Stormont. Spot the difference. Two major entities trying to get back off the ground this week. Without pilots. Well might we laugh at the lunacy of trying to run an aircraft without the necessary crew up front - but we've little room to smirk in Northern Ireland.
Given the seriousness of so many of the stories making the headlines this week, the difficulties encountered by singer Paloma Faith as she passed through security at Gatwick Airport pale a bit by comparison.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have announced that they are expecting a third child. Of all the many people whose hearts will have been uplifted by this happy news, I think we can safely say who will have been first among them.
The MMA fighter Conor McGregor is said to have earned $100m for his clash with boxer Floyd Mayweather Jnr. The last time there was a "purse" that spectacular was when Arlene Foster got a billion after a successful election fight.
A couple of weeks ago we were down in Dublin for a few days. We got talking, as you do, to other out-of-town visitors, many from America.
The death of Ards-born David Anderson, who was Hillsborough Castle's Household Manager for a quarter of a century, has seen tributes flooding in.
Surely the most startling thing to come out of the controversial Channel 4 Diana: In Her Own Words documentary was her disclosure that she and Charles had only met 13 times before they were married.
Today's special on the menu at Restaurant Brexit - American-style chicken ... "Whole chicken lavishly coated in a sumptuous chlorine sauce, accompanied by US-farmed beef infused with piquant antibiotics and drizzled with our own-recipe hormone jus.
This week I want to talk about sexism. But first I want to get Stephen Nolan out of the way. Carmel on line 1 is right. There is a bit of the green-eyed monster lurking behind some of the criticism of Stephen Nolan's newly-disclosed, humongous BBC pay packet.
