Lindy McDowell: Just imagine what’s on the wish lists of the movers and shakers
With Father Christmas due to visit in just a few days the pressure is now on his elf co-workers to ensure that all letters to Santa are read on time. You can just imagine some of the mail they've had to sort through this week...
Dear Santa Claus,
Let's get this done. Let's get it delivered. When people tell you that it can't be delivered in just one night I say that that is an inverted pyramid of piffle. Of course it can be delivered.
It is people like yourself, Mr Claus, people from up north who have made this happen. And if anyone tells to you that there is a border in the Irish Sea and that in future you will have to fill in customs forms to transport your toys from Belfast to London, I say tear up that form and throw it in the bin. There will be no checks, no forms, no barriers.
We are guaranteeing 20,000 new elves for your workshop. Improvements to your reindeer transportation system. Our turkey is oven ready. Let's get this done.
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Dear Comrade Claus,
Last year I asked you for a new manhole cover and an election win. You were unable to deliver on both fronts but as we all know that was down to Tory austerity and savage cutbacks to staffing at your Lapland workshops.
When we are returned to power, although it may take some time, we will ensure that every elf is paid a new minimum wage, that reindeers will only have to work a four-day week and that Mrs Claus is reimbursed for the state pension stolen from her by the heartless Tory government. You are an inspiration to us all, Comrade Claus. You were wearing red long before even Dennis Skinner. Keep up the momentum.
You are strong. You are loved. You are caring. And without caring there is no community. I am here to tell you, Santa, that you must follow your dreams. But I know how hard it can be at times.
No one asks if I'm okay. Like you, I fly around the world a lot but I don't have a private sleigh like yours. For me that would be a game changer. I wish peace and love to all, Santa. Apart from my father and the media, of course.
How dare you! You think that it is enough that you travel across the world in your carbon neutral sleigh but how much damage, I ask you, is being caused by Rudolf's emissions? All those carrots he eats on Christmas Eve. Your generation has failed mine with your plastic toys in non-recyclable packaging. I will never forgive you that you brought me non-biodegradable Barbie. You have stolen my childhood.
Prime Minister Claus,
You are a great, great man. A very great man. The people of Lapland are lucky to have you as their leader. We look forward to doing a great trade deal with you as soon as you leave the North Pole. It will be a very great trade deal. You will be able to buy our chlorinated chickens and in return all we ask for is Greenland.
The fake news media say that I have been impeached. They didn't impeach you, Mr Santa, even though you went in and out of North Korea and the Ukraine in one night. We can do business Mr Claus. I have a slogan for that red cap of yours. Make the Arctic Great Again.
Yours self-importantly, Donald J Trump
To whom it may concern
A motion has been unanimously passed to de-platform S. Claus who had been due to visit the university on Christmas Eve. Claus is a symbol of the patriarchy and has made no effort to ensure diversity within his elfin workforce.
We find his use of reindeer - including one unfortunate beast whose nose has been used for navigational purposes - deeply offensive.
Furthermore some of our members have expressed alarm that the sound of his jingling sleigh bells and ho-ho-hoing could trigger anxiety. His fur-trimmed suit represents a classic example of cultural appropriation. In 2019 he is outdated and divisive. He is not wanted here.
Signed, Lapland Students' Union
Bridge idea a road to nowhere
Asked this week (again) about a bridge between here and Britain, Boris says: "Watch this space." Watch what space? Where exactly does he think he can successfully build a bridge across the Irish Sea? It is madness.
So is he just stringing the DUP along? Again. And why on earth would the DUP imagine that this is what their electorate want? The DUP need a bridge all right. A bridge to reality.
Let’s agree to any happy wishes
Happy Christmas. Or Happy Holidays. Which is it to be? The latter greeting is said to be more inclusive to those like myself who are not of religious bent (or those not of the Christian religion). But personally I am happy to be wished any kind of happy. Anyway, whatever way you prefer to put it, I hope you have a good one. Both a happy Christmas and a happy holiday.
Tamara’s being a trooper over raid
I'm thinking of launching a crowd-funding appeal for Tamara Ecclestone. The poor girl must be struggling to get by.
Tamara (35) who lives in a £70m mansion in what's described as the poshest street in London, flew - by private jet naturally - to Lapland this week so that her little daughter could visit Santa.
While they were gone somebody broke in and stole Tamara's jewellery collection. Reportedly valued at £50m.
Now I suppose you could have a jewellery collection worth that much.
The one in the Tower of London, say.
But for most of us £50m represents an awful lot of earrings from Joseph Rea.
The street where she lives is "gated", there are security people everywhere and a staff of around 50 are employed by Ms Ecclestone (daughter of Formula One billionaire Bernie) so the question is, how could this happen?
How many loot bags does it even take to carry £50m worth of diamond baubles?
Never mind. Shocked though she was, Tamara had regrouped by week's end and along with her daughter and husband Jay Rutland had taken herself off to relax for a few days in her da's luxury Swiss chalet. Worth £23m.
Husband Jay gamely posted on social media: "Never ruin a good day thinking about a bad yesterday. Let it go."
Quite. Any of us would feel the same having been robbed of more gold than you'd find in a Pharaoh's tomb.
Poor Tamara. You just have to feel sorry for her, don't you?