Belfast Telegraph

Why all's fare in love and war when you have a good nosey on the bus

By Nuala McKeever

Overheard on the bus last Friday:

Woman: Awful warm, isn't it?

Friend: Och, don't start me, sure I'm up an' down half the night these days.

Woman: Hot flashes?

Friend: Whoosh. One minute I'm lyin' there thinkin' about Charles and Camilla and the next, I'm flingin' the duvet off cos the sweat's pourin' off me.

Woman: Can't say Charlie has that effect on me now.

Friend: Och, stop, I didn't mean that.

Woman: I know, I'm only messin'. What d'ya think of them?

Friend: I never saw much, only him meetin' Gerry. The big handshake. From the photo I saw, it looked more like a headbutt to be honest.

Woman: I know. That's probably what they really wanted to do. "Take that Charlie. Bang." One can give as good as one gets, you know, Beardy. Doosh."

Friend: (takes off cardigan) Funny the way he had the cup o'tea in his hand, wasn't it? All dead casual. It was like they were tryin' to let on they only just bumped into each other by chance. "Och Charlie. Fancy meetin' you here, a chara." "I say, is that you Gerry? You're getting rather grey aren't you!"

Woman: It was symbolic.

Friend: Wha'?

Woman: Well, y'think of Ireland, y'think, "Friendly welcome, cup of tea in your hand" y' know?

Friend: Shoulda had Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. "Will you have a cup of tea and a handshake and a bit of makin' history now? Och, you will, you will, you will." (cardigan on)

Woman: No cake but.

Friend: Oh here, don't mention cake. Every time that Ashers story comes on the radio, I'm runnin' to the biscuit tin. How are y'meant to stick to a diet with that on the news every hour? And do y'know something? I never normally buy cakes, but the other day in the shop, they'd a wee Madeira on offer and it must be all that talk of cake on the news, for the next thing I know, I've it in m'basket. Just shows you. It wasn't an Ashers cake, now. I wouldn't buy from them. My sister's oldest boy's gay. Lovely fella. Don't care what their sausage rolls are like, you can't support that sort of attitude. (cardigan off)

Woman: I wonder would Ashers make a cake with a picture of Charles and Camilla and the slogan, "Support Adulterous Marriage" on it?

Friend: Exactly. They look happy all the same, don't they?

Woman: They were always in love with each other. That's the thing. You can pretend all y'want and try to do the right thing, marry someone who's totally wrong for you, but if you're not happy, what's the point?

Friend: I know, I mean, look at all them poor people who've tried to pretend for years that they're not gay, because everyone round them was tellin' them it was a sin.

Woman: I know. Lyin' to yourself and everyone round you.

Friend: I feel bad enough when I break my diet and don't let on. Imagine lyin' all the time. Must be heart-breakin'.

Woman: I hope they get the vote down south on Friday.

Friend: I know. It's not fair but. (cardigan on)

Woman: What's not fair?

Friend: If they get the Yes vote, then that means down south'll have everything - gay marriage, southern Tayto and southern Cadbury's Dairy Milk.

Woman: That's true.

Friend: Just as well they got put out of Eurovision last night. Too much excitement to have that and the vote all on Saturday night.

Woman: I might have a party. Few drinks, Eurovision, The Vote Result. Nothing fancy.

Friend: Keep it simple.

Woman: Yeah, wee buns.

Friend: Oh here, don't mention buns. (cardigan off)

Food's for eating not for dumping

France is now making it illegal for large supermarkets to throw away edible food.

Under new laws, chains have to donate discarded food to charity, or allow it to be turned into animal feed, compost or energy. That's at the big end. At the other end, I'd like to encourage individuals to give up the habit of leaving food on their plates.

Whether it's done for some childhood idea that it's rude not to, or because the person's taking too much to start with, it always smacks to me of the arrogance of excess.

"Oh, I've so much I can just waste this, see?"

What the Yes vote really means ...

My father died 27 years ago. If he came back now, he'd hardly recognise the Ireland of today.

What a transformation from being a place synonymous with bad roads, more pubs than churches and more churches than civil rights, to what it is now - a wonderful rainbow of tolerance and diversity!

The Yes vote doesn't mean the end of marriage for straight people.

It means young people being able to live a life free from the silent suffering endured by so many of their forebears.

Onwards and Yeswards!

Belfast Telegraph


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