Belfast Telegraph

David, even as crazy theories go, this one's off the scales

By Robert McNeill

I wish to address you this week on the subject of lizard-people. Do not be alarmed. The doors at the back of the hall are locked, and escape is impossible. (Clears throat and emits evil laugh).

Allegedly, according to reputed philosophers, reptiles masquerading as human beings are taking over the world. As you might imagine, these reptiles are from outer space and do not have our best interests at heart.

I pause here in the narrative to clarify that, when I say "reputed philosophers", I mean Mr David Icke, the somewhat turquoise (I don't know quite what I mean but am adamant that it is the mot juste) touter of cosmic conspiracy theories. He has come a long way since working as a reporter on the Leicester Advertiser.

Back then, he passed as an almost normal individual. He ate food, walked regularly from point A to point B and, if you poked him with a stick, he made a noise. Thus far so unremarkable.

Alas, somewhere between 1990 and 1991, marbles started exiting his bonce at an alarming rate. If you walked behind him, you'd a good chance of slipping on them.

I'm not sure if it was something he ate, or the result of an accident involving the cranial casing,but he morphed into a leading loonologist, who believes that we're all merely holograms - I wish! - that vampires are among us, and that the Moon is hollow. There's nothing unusual in these beliefs. Prime Minister David Cameron believes the same things.

However, it is David's thesis concerning the reptile-people that tends to set him apart from the normal nutcase in the street. Mr Icke is currently on a sell-out tour of the United States, where he announced this bombshell news: "We are not alone. The idea that humans are the only two-legged, two-armed intelligent lifeforms is ridiculous. These reptilian entities exist and they are influencing our world from beyond human sight."

I think we can all agree with him so far but, unfortunately, there's more. Pausing briefly to eat a banana, Mr Icke went on: "They have manipulated human genetics by tuning us into particular frequencies. And interbreeding between human and non-humans has created a new form. This hybrid was created to have no empathy. That is why there is no limit on their actions.

"This hybrid race are the Royal Family, the politicians, those running the banking system, the media."

I've quoted David at length, to give you a full taste of his postulations and because it saves me having to write stuff.

However, I cannot accept his thesis that the media are half-reptilian. If you've been tuning into the Leveson Inquiry, you'd be more likely to think pure reptilian.

David uses slides showing famous people looking like crocodiles and asks suspiciously: why the long face?

Ach, it's a shame. Many folk have a soft spot for David. He looks like a nice bloke and gives a good impression of being sincere. However, he's fooling no one with this nonsense. The truth is that he himself is the leader of the reptilians, and all this touring is just an elaborate hoax to disguise his evil plan for world domination. It's as plain as the two rows of sharp teeth on your face.

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