Belfast Telegraph

Let's put the boot into Ascot's toffs

By Robert McNeill

What fun to see Royal Ascot descend into brawling among paunchy slobs in suits. Top toffs have complained about the calibre of pillock attending the equestrian event - women with tattoos; men whose bonces are strangers to the top hat.

There are even unsettling reports that, this year, several bald people were admitted.

Two friends of mine sometimes go. Generally, when I know they're to return, I eat a large bowl of curried tripe, followed by several pickled onions, then I welcome them home by vomiting on their heads. My view of toffs is that they should be periodically culled. Not like in the French Revolution; just arrests in the middle of the night, long periods of imprisonment on unspecified charges, and so forth. This should occur when their ostentation and arrogance become too much. Meanwhile, the neds at Ascot are doing a good job of sullying the sick- making event and should, therefore, be congratulated.

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