Kate Moss cracks the crimewave
The neighbours of model Kate Moss were not terribly happy when she first moved into their area in London. There were complaints about the coming and goings of celebrities and noisy parties.
All changed, utterly changed now for Moss has brought one advantage with her - safer streets. Other sorts of people come in the celebrity wake - paparazzi to photograph the celeb, bodyguards to defend the celeb from the paps and police to monitor the whole lot of them.
The result: no self-respecting criminal can go about his no-good business without the danger of being caught by either the lens of the paps, the long arm of the law or the backhand of the bodyguard.
This could be good news for beleaguered communities here where street violence seems to becoming even more common and with ever more tragic results.
Rather than wasting their time complaining at the next meeting of the DPP about ineffective police responses or asking to have the security wall built even higher, residents and politicians should simply demand that they be given their fair share of celebrities - and I mean proper celebrities, not those Big Brother ones.
How about asking Cindy Crawford to move to Ballymena? The drugs trade there would take an instant hit - of the legal kind - as Ms Crawford dandered around the town shopping. Elle MacPherson could be enticed to set up her lingerie business in Derry. I am sure there would never be another assault in the town as the men folk put down their broken bottles and vied with each other to hold in their stomachs as the woman known as 'The Body' sauntered down Strand Road in her skimpies at 2am.
We could ask Brad Pitt and George Clooney to move to Belfast where both men would show the local hoods that anti-social behaviour is just so uncool, man. Imagine them both lounging around the city, designer suits and sunglasses.
Would there be a single inch of the city that would not be covered by photographers and peelers, thus helping local residents feel a lot safer?
It's over to you, Sir Hugh.
Salmond's like a fish out of water
Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has thrown the feline among the province's pigeons whilst in Dublin for the British-Irish Council summit.
He gave a speech and offered to host our own First and Deputy First Ministers, Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness. Salmond said that he wanted to try and build a "Celtic Lion" economy to challenge the Republic's Celtic Tiger. Doesn't Salmond know that the last thing the Rev Ian's supporters what to hear talk of is "Celtic" anything? What about an " Ulster-Scot Lynx" instead? To give Salmond his due, he balanced things out when he quoted CS Parnell: "No man has the right to fix the boundary of a nation. No man has the right to say to his country, 'Thus far shalt thou go and no further'." That's SDLP speak, that is. Martin will not be pleased.
Jordan's same old story
Television presenter Katie Price, aka Jordan, launching the latest volume of her autobiography in London, suffered a "wardrobe malfunction", a la Toya Jackson, and exposed her breasts. The former model has reduced her two greatest assets from 32G to 32F but even the reduced cleavage proved too much for her corset. Would never happen to Seamus Heaney, for sure.
Ireland team's way with words
The old English-Irish animosity may not be as bad as it used to be but there are still tensions. Irish football authorities have managed to get one up on the English FA. While the English have secured Italian Fabio Capello as England team manager, the Irish have employed Giovanni Trapattoni as national coach.
He is even more successful than Capello and can also speak English, a language Capello is still learning. All together now: " Anything you can do, we can do better, we can do anything better than you ? "