From an Illuminati-run council on the north coast to sovereign sausages, Andrew Madden takes a closer look at some of the more unusual things in the Assembly and further afield this week.
The start of the week in the Assembly saw the debate over the Northern Ireland Protocol continue, or, the next installment in the Sausage Wars. While SDLP MLA Matthew O'Toole said in the chamber that NI now has “the opportunity to move goods to export seamlessly to the British market and to the European single market”, TUV leader Jim Allister, on the other hand, did not see it this way.
"The rigorous implementers of the protocol are now beginning to recognise the serious damage that their protocol is going to do to NI and their constituents," he said. “This is an issue of sovereignty not sausages."
Following fairly severe flooding around the north coast over the weekend, it appears some members of the public out there have voiced their frustrations towards local political reps.
UUP Causeway Coast and Glens councillor Darryl Wilson was having none of it. He posted on Facebook: "It transpires that the recent flooding and subsequent damage to roads, shops etc was not an 'act of God', but actually the fault of 'that useless council and the useless clown councillors'.
"A special meeting of the council will be convened as soon as we get our cloaks and hoods on, and when enough brown envelopes are distributed to the 40 illuminati members responsible for the borough.
"The Causeway Coast and Glens new world order will sacrifice a goat to ward off attacks from the same few dozen folk who are perpetually offended by absolutely everything that the council do while typing their fingers into bloody nubs venting their frustration on causeway coast community, various councillors pages and any community pages they can get access to relating to absolutely anything related to, or not related to the council."
Meanwhile, the chair of the Northern Ireland Affairs Committee, Simon Hoare, drew the ire of many loyalists and unionists with a poorly-judged tweet about bonfire season.
"Who knew William of Orange arrived in Ireland with hundreds of wooden pallets hence the traditional pallet burning fiesta began," he wrote.
Following the unionist backlash, he later deleted the tweet and apologised. “Earlier I posted a Tweet which was never intended to cause the offence it has to some in NI. I want to say fully & unequivocally that I am sorry. I intended only to be humorous/tongue in cheek & I got it wrong,” he posted.
“I hope my apology will be accepted. It is sincere & heartfelt.”
Tuesday
Tuesday in the Assembly saw an update from Infrastructure Minister Nichola Mallon regarding NI Water, which appears to be suffering from a few leaks. Plagued with capacity problems, Colin McGrath asked the minister how long it will take to address these concerns.
Ms Mallon replied that “given the level of investment that is required, it could take some 12 years” to address the issues within the water and waste-water infrastructure. She also revealed that there are around 100 locations across Northern Ireland "that are either at or beyond their developmental capacity" due to a lack of water and sewerage infrastructure.
The chamber was also the scene of a surprisingly heated debate on integrated education. Contributing to the discussion, the SDLP's Daniel McCrossan said his party was "broadly" in support of a bill tabled by Alliance MLA Kellie Armstrong, which would see reform of the integrated education sector.
Interjecting, the DUP's Mervyn Storey said: "I am glad that he has, at last, come off the fence, because, for some time, I wondered where he was going. Is he in favour of the Bill or not? As someone who values the controlled sector and the maintained sector, does he genuinely believe that there are no concerns and that there are no issues in the Bill that will have massive financial, practical and legal implications for those sectors, including the Irish-medium sector?"
Referencing Mr Storey's colleague, former Education Minister Peter Weir - who had a tumultuous tenure in the post - Mr McCrossan replied: "It is ironic to hear a DUP Member talking about sitting on the fence, given the previous Minister's reputation in the House on dealing with education matters during a crisis. Thank God that we now have a new Minister, who hopefully will not sit on the fence."
Wednesday
Following Tuesday night's Euro 2021 tie between Spain and Italy, Northern Ireland Peer Lord Kilclooney, who is not known for putting his foot in it, took issue with Spanish players not singing their national anthem before the start of the game.
"Amazing that every member of the Italian team sang its National Anthem whereas every single member of the Spanish team remained totally silent. Not one sang the Spanish Anthem!" Plot twist: the Spanish national anthem does not have any lyrics. As broadcaster Gerry Kelly put it: "Quote of the year!!!! What an ignorant man. You should have taken a leaf from their book and kept your mouth shut. The Spanish national anthem doesn't have words."
Across the water in Westminster, DUP MP Sammy Wilson asked PM Boris Johnson if he will apologise for "inadvertently misleading" MPs when he told Sir Jeffrey Donaldson last month that the NI Protocol does not override the Act of Union - despite Government lawyers arguing in the High Court it did. To no surprise whatsoever, no apology was forthcoming.
During Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Johnson criticised the protocol, once again using the term "legally purist". "There remains very serious problems in what I believe is the misapplication, the excessively legally purist application of that deal, of that protocol, and what we're hoping for is some progress from the European Commission, some repairs that I think they should make to the way that this is working," he said. In other words, the EU are following the deal, brokered with the UK, in accordance with the law too much. Bizarre accusation. Maybe they should only follow it "in a very specific way".
A meeting of the NI Affairs Committee featured a contribution from Kate Clifford, of the Rural Community Network, and she did not mince her words when giving her take of the current political instability in Northern Ireland.
"There is a talk about winners and losers. I think there is very, very difficult dialogue coming from our political classes, when we have a Secretary of State who stands up and says he is willing to break international law and we as peacemakers are trying to promote lawfulness within communities for whom lawlessness has been a rule of thumb," she said.
"I think it is really unhelpful and people are afraid to stand up and say that's not how it is for me or that's not how it is for our community."
She added: "We have to be careful. My plea to everybody is that while it makes great headlines to talk about the Great British banger and all of that, the reality is that there are lives at stake on the ground in Northern Ireland."
During a meeting of Stormont's Audit Committee, MLAs were giving a briefing on banking. People are very loyal to their banks, as many know, or as DUP MLA Jim Wells put it: “I understand you’re more likely to change your wife than your bank. I’ve changed my bank twice but only the one wife... that indicates the loyalty that people hold."
Thursday
During a Health Committee meeting on Thursday, Northern Trust chief executive Jennifer Walsh revealed that some reproductive services have had to be moved due to the harassment some patients received from pro-life protestors outside healthcare facilities.
Over in the Communities Committee, MLAs were briefed on the sports sustainability fund, which provide support for sporting organisations during the pandemic. As an Audit Office report into the scheme found, however, it didn't take applicants’ bank balances and reserves into account when handing out money. One golf club - Royal County Down - received £1.5m - despite having a “very significant bank balance and a high level of reserves".
Communities Department permanent secretary Tracy Meharg admitted to members: “The scheme was not perfect." Giving £1.5m to a club flush with money from a fund designed to support organisations fighting for survival? Not perfect indeed.
Meanwhile, Alliance MLA Andrew Muir voiced his disappointment after quizzing Environment Minister Edwin Poots over enforcement action on bonfires containing tyres, of which Mr Muir had pictures.
Mr Poots confirmed his department has the powers to issue fines and to pursue criminal prosecution for such offences. How many fines have been issued in the last five years for the dumping or burning of tyres? Five. Totalling £2,825. That'll show them.
Friday
Friday, amid fluid bonfire disputes, saw Brexit negotiator Lord Frost face a grilling from MLAs over the controversial Northern Ireland Protocol. Many unionists will not be too pleased that the Tory MP, on more than one occasion, stated the protocol does not interfere with NI's position in the UK - the opposite of what many in the PUL community have been been arguing since the protocol's implementation.
The DUP's Christopher Stalford asked Lord Frost: “How can you tell me there has been no constitutional change in the status of NI when laws made by foreign powers and implemented by foreign courts will apply here but not in the rest of the country of which I am a citizen?”
Lord Frost replied: “The protocol is clear that it does not affect NI’s position as part of the UK or as part of the customs territory or as part of the internal market. That is the reality of the situation.”
Mr Stalford wouldn't let it go. "Michael Gove [the previous Brexit negotiator] negotiated a dog’s breakfast of a deal and you’ve been left to clean up the mess haven’t you?” he asked.
Sinn Fein's Pat Sheenan said there were more press photographers at a recent anti-Protocol protest than there were protestors, which Mr Stalford branded "utter drivel".
All going well, then.
