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Would you want to meet Bono on your holidays?

It's amusing that Aung San Suu Kyi's first foreign trip in 24 years will feature an audience with Bono. God knows why. No, literally: God knows why. I have a sense Bono takes most of his briefing directly from the Big Man himself.

"Listen, Bono," God probably said to the U2 frontman. "Hang on, that is you, isn't it, Bono? You're entirely swappable with Robin Williams these days."

"Yes, it's me, God," Bono would bristle, "Hurry up, I'm practising lunging about in a leather mac."

"Bono, you need to go forth and welcome Aung San Suu Kyi on stage in Dublin. Maybe do some big Last Supper arms? Shove in a few blessings?

"We were just thinking up here - she's been locked in a house for 15 years and lots of people would love you to be locked in a house indefinitely, so the crowds will dig the irony."

"Ooh, I'm not sure, God," Bono might hesitate. "Won't it look odd, me standing up in Dublin and giving it the big 'Ooh, life is unfair, but chuck your arms around the world, when the backside has dropped out of Ireland's economy and U2's 'tax efficiency schemes' mean my wealth is bubbling away in nooks and crannies all over Europe?"

"Oh, no," God will chuckle, "It will be marvellous. Satan and I were just LOLzing over it. It will be the most enormous act of God-complex non-self-awareness since Jay-Z played the O2 last week, where children were charged £30 for a hat, claiming 'they' call him the 'God' of rap."

As yet, Aung San Suu Kyi isn't meeting Jay-Z, Sean 'Jolly cross about the Falklands' Penn, Bill 'Don't call me party hands' Clinton, Bill Gates, or any of the international unelected force-for-good brigade.

While incarcerated, Suu Kyi relied heavily on DJ Dave Lee Travis for musical nourishment, so we should be glad her first request on reaching Europe wasn't an audience with Mike and Cheryl from Bucks Fizz.

A meeting with the Hairy Cornflake himself would be rather special. She thought a lot of him, even if he greeted the news that she liked him with the word "unsurprising".

If I'm ever put under house arrest (which is a distinct possibility, as I'm quite annoying) I do not wish the internationally recognised rock 'n' roll force for good to greet me in 15 years' time.

Thanks for your prayers, Bono, but I want Van Morrison, Axl Rose and Naomi Campbell, the international force for non-benevolent actions, welcoming me on stage. I'm not particularly fond of Van, but the thought of him doing anything jocund for anyone with a broad smile on his chops would truly signify a rearranging of the earth's karmic chakras.

Axl Rose would leave Aung San Suu Kyi waiting in her hotel room so long while he tried on different bandanas and pondered his bald spot that she'd begin to think the Burmese courts had changed their minds.

"I call him grandfather," Naomi Campbell used to say of Nelson Mandela, before rearranging a PA's hair with a flying BlackBerry.

With friends like all of these people, Aung San Suu Kyi will wish she'd stayed at home.