Belfast Telegraph

A hog roast, monster munch and a Burger

By Billy Weir

MY final port of call on the tour to BT Sportland was the Aviva Premiership rugby get-together of London rivals, Harlequins and Saracens, at the aptly named Stoop.

Apt because on the sidelines was presenter Martin Bayfield, joined by the similarly gigantic Laurence Dallaglio and the loomingly large Christian Day all forced to look down on the munchkin-like Austin Healey. They were like a set of Russian dolls.

Bayfield, former policeman, rugby player and now Crimewatch presenter, seems a nice chap, welcoming us 'to one of those games that gets the heart pumping, although that may be to do with the hog roast and beer.' Those pesky rugger-types.

"Twickenham is looming large in the near distance reminding us that in just a few weeks time the beasts of the southern hemisphere will be up for international duty," he added, setting the tone for the day.

Commentator Alastair Eakyn was at it too, telling us this was 'two of the Premiership's larger beasts colliding in South West London'.

There were scarier things close to hand though, a poor waif being treated very badly by a hulking brute or as Eakyn said: "A monster tackle from Ugo Monye, he absolutely munched Chris Wyles." Indeed, when he got up he had to check his Wotsits were still in tact.

But George Woods' decision to sample a Burger didn't work well, as he left the field with the blood lashing out of him.

Healey piped up: "A lesson there for anybody around the world – do not clash heads with Jaques Burger because there's only one winner with that noggin – that's one hard melon.'

It turns out the way to stop him was pull his flowing locks, but Healey, very brave up in the stands, had a pop as a mild kerfuffle ensued.

"A little bit of handbags. We're not playing football, if someone is pulling your hair you don't get sent to the sin-bin; you don't phone your mum and ask her to come onto the pitch," he blasted.

Soon though it was all over, a Burger-inspired Saracens won, the hairy beast was named man of the match and all that was left was for Martin to come on and ask for information on the hair-pulling incident and warn us not to have nightmares.

Belfast Telegraph


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