Belfast Telegraph

Ryder Cup: They think it's all over, it is for Europe

Billy On The Box

By Billy Weir

The fat ladies and men have sung, fingers and bottoms have stopped wagging and wiggling and bad jumpers are back in the closet - yes, it can mean but one thing, the Ryder Cup is done and dusted for another two years.

But not quite, here's my look at proceedings at Hazeltine, the highs and the Lee Westwoods, and a bit of telly thrown in for good measure and to keep me in a job.

A is for All over: No one really wanted to say it but in reality the Ryder Cup was over on Friday evening before most of us got home from work with the US racing into a 4-0 lead.

B is for Brexit: The British players seemed to take the EU withdrawal a little far by notching up 'nil points' during the singles matches on Sunday. I'm not sure if this included Rory McIlroy or not, but I'm not getting into that.

C is for Crowe: The Beeb started proceedings with Russell Crowe looking menacingly at the camera with a video shown to the Europe team. "Unless it comes unasked out of your heart, out of your mind and mouth, your gut, don't do it," he said, and seek medical attention as soon as possible.

D is for Darren: You have to spare a thought for Darren Clarke in that not only did he have six rookies to contend with in his team but was up against three Davis Loves. The bad news is that George Hamilton IV is lined up to lead the US in France.

E is for Errrrr: Sky's on-course expert Howard Clark, like many men before and in future, struggling to get to grips with Jordan, referring to Jason Spieth and then correcting himself by calling him Justin. "I'm going to have problems with that," he said. Indeed.

F is for Fair: No accusations of bias could be levelled at Butch Harmon, a man who has coached Phil Mickelson, but didn't miss him in the warm-up. "He can't even spell fairway, let alone hit one." Who needs enemies?

G is for Groundhog: Everywhere you looked American actor Bill Murray seemed to pop up, and confused all of us who couldn't work out if we had somehow popped on the director's cut of Caddyshack by mistake.

H is for Harmon: There was more finger wagging on show than at a puppy standing beside a steaming pile, not going down well with Butch (not the one from Tom and Jerry), as Patrick Reed raised his digit. "C'mon Patrick, show some class," he said. Or not.

I is for Irish: A far cry from the K Club when everything was green, Paul McGinley tried to divert our attention from the golf, by referring to "heavyweight contests" and "it reminds me of the first 20 minutes of a soccer match". Remember, if anyone uses the term 'soccer' you are, under winter rules, allowed to clump them with a five wood.

J is for JB: Is it me or does JB Holmes sound like a building contractor? Europe are going to hit back in Paris in two years' time with JB Sports coming onto their team, although they're having a few issues getting the time off work.

K is for Kirsty: Spare a thought for Sky Sports News' Kirsty Gallacher who suffered the plight of all their female presenters as she opened her case in Minnesota to find that termites had munched their way through all her sleeved clothing.

L is for Lee: What can you say about Lee Westwood? He wasn't very good but, and I can't emphasise this enough, he was there on merit and not because he's Darren's mate. Couldn't putt a marble into the Grand Canyon.

M is for Monty: "This is what we don't want as a European, to get the crowd like this, we've got to try and silence them somehow," said a worried Colin Montgomerie. I know, how about hitting fewer shots and putting the wee ball in the hole now and again?

N is for Nuneaton: "I would imagine the streets of Nuneaton are deserted," said Sky's Ewen Murray as hometown favourite Andy Sullivan drove off. I imagine they weren't deserted for very long.

O is for Over the limit: Sky's ever-improving Nick Dougherty on the dangers of over-imbibing. "You know they've had a drink or two when they're putting their own players off," he said.

P is for Phil: "Mickelson is just rolling back the years," said Ewen Murray in the middle of Big Phil's classic game with Sergio Garcia, which was rather apt as the scoreboard was fast becoming simply red.

Q is for Quiet: "You can tell he's going to be composed today, keep his emotions in control and just play golf." Peter Alliss with an uncanny prediction of how Rory McIlroy's top match with Patrick Reed would pan out.

R is for Rookie: Thomas Pieters became Belgium's most famous person after a wonderful few days, meaning he is now just ahead of Poirot, Tintin, strong beer and a nice box of chocolates in the Big Boy's Book of all things Belgian. Oh, I've just remembered Jean-Claude van Damme.

S is for Bad word: S***. Danny Willett's appraisal of how his Ryder Cup went was the most profound utterance from a member of that clan all week given his brother's stupidity. In better news, Donald Trump, impressed by his tact and diplomacy, is looking to give his sibling an ambassadorial role. To Mexico.

T is for Taskforce: How the USA won, by all accounts, and a welcome return of a term last heard when Britain, unburdened by Europe, headed across the Atlantic to deal with some noisy (South) Americans. Expect Jim Davidson to replace Darren Clarke as captain.

U is for U-bend: More scatological business when Henrik Stenson's opening drive on Sunday ended up beside the toilets, prompting the Swede to chortle "now that's a s*** shot", which isn't easy to type never mind say.

V is for Viking: "It's a noisy morning in Minnesota, a taste of Viking atmosphere," said Ewen Murray on day one, clearly forgetting that we were in Valhalla in 2008 and are at Pointy Horned Helmet Golf Club in 2020.

W is for Wozniacki: A late call-up to the European squad as the Danish tennis player became the darling of the mischievous American galleries, who broke into a chorus of Sweet Caroline whenever Rory came into view. So good, so good, so good…

X is for X-rated: Rory having a fan ejected for shouting something very rude at him. He should have just taken it on the chin or shouted "you're a pudgy, basement-dwelling irritant" and got on with it.

Y is for Yank: The Beeb's obligatory one, Hunter Mahan, a man who can say 'wow' in many ways was wowed by Jordan Spieth's naked bits as he took a dip in the water "with great ankles showing, he's got great calves". Wow, get a room, you guys.

Z is for Zach: For the life of me I can't think of one thing Zach Johnson did over the three days other than fulfil the 'Z' section of an A to Z thus negating the need for me to clumsily mention Fuzzy Zoeller for no apparent reason.

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